The Verye Secret Diaries of the Rounde Table
by Vest-Button
Summary: It was bound to happen. Based on Sir Thomas Malory's "Le Morte d'Arthur."
1. Default Chapter

**The Verye Secret Diaries of **

**Kinge Arthur ande his Noble Knights of the Rounde Table.**

It was bound to happen. And yes, I know how to spell. But the Noble Knights of the Table Rounde did not.

Disclaimer, sort of: I'm actually going off the Sir Thomas Mallory versions of King Arthur -- "Le Morte de L'Arthur", that is. "Le Morte de L'Arthur", my friends, is the original compilation of Arthur stories, written in the 15th century. It inspired people from Tennyson to Twain. But it I doubt that it is like the recent movie, and I do not apoligize at all. Anywho...

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The Verye Secret Diarie of Sir Gareth, or Beaumains.

**Day 1 (Pentecost): **Arrived at Camelot today with my retinue (and all of the other knights who were sent here to yield to Arthur at Pentecost). V. iteresting. Am glad to be here. Gave well-rehearsed speech, asking for the three gifts, etc. Arthur sayeth yea. Score!

Which means that I get to live here until next Pentecost, in the meantime proving my valor as incredibly awesome knight that I am.

Knights of Round Table seemed v. unimpressed with my admittedly strange retwell-dressed inue of dwarfs.

**Day 2: **Oops. Apparently forgot to mention my status as well-born knight-hero in apparently not-so-well-rehearsed sppech. Have now been assigned to kitchen duty. Sir Kay, apparently jealous of my knightish good looks and incredible (if undemonstrated) powers, has taken to teasing me and calling me names. I have been rechristianed Beaumains by stupid Kay.

**Day 100:** Still in kitchen duty. Curse that stupid Kay.

**Day 365: **Ooh, a quest!

Lady arrived today, asking for help rescuing her sister. I, of course, being the gallant fellow that I am, signed up immediately. Now I shall go prove my noble blood and talent to the world! So there, Kay.

I also got it arranged so that pretty boy Launcelot will follow us. Am excited, and not just because of Launcelot's power to make me a knight at any step of the journey.

**Day 366: ** Stupid Kay followed me on my quest. Still jealous of my knightly good looks. I called him names and he called me names. I feared that a slapfight might erupt, but instead we just jousted. I beat him without a spear. Take that, stupid Kay.

Then I was knighted by following Launcelot. V. exciting. Revealed secret past and true identity to Launcelot. Then pretty boy had to leave. V. sad.

Rode off into sunset, bing insulted by lady every step of way. Stupid lady.

**Day 368: **Killed and jousted 3 knaves. Am proud. The other three were scared off by my knightly prowess. Stupid lady still insults me. Stupid lady.

Fortunately, though, I saved a knight from those knaves. He gave us food, and ignored stupid lady. At least _somebody _likes me.

**Day 369:** Killed two knights at once. Still abused by stupid lady.

**Later: **In Black lands. Not pretty here. The land scares me. Oh well. It's been a profitable day: I killed the Black Knight and took his armor, and then I defeated the Green knight, who asked me to dinner. _He _ liked me better than stupid lady too. Am smug.

**Day 370: **Beat Puce Knight and was asked to dinner. What is it with these colorful knights? And what color is puce, anyway?

**Day 371:** Beat another colorful knight, this time Indigo. He asked us to dinner, too.

Stupid lady starting to warm up to me. I blaim former coldness on jealousy of my knightly good looks. Or pent-up, secret, butining love of me. This trip will be fun.

**2:00 AM:** Indigo Knight a sicko. Sent his maiden daughter to my bed tonight. I, however, was virtuous and did not deflower her. Go me. What a knight I am.

**Day 372: **Off to Castle Dangerous to fight the Red Knight of the Red Lands and accomplish my quest. La la la la la.

**Day 373: **Beat Rrd Knight, rescued pretty lady, fullfilled quest. But lady doesn't like me. She sent me off into the woods to sulk for a year.

**Day 380: **Fought brother Gawain and won. V. Freudian, yet cool.

**Day 385: **Now get to marry pretty lady! Score! And afterwords, I get to watch jousting! wOOt!

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The above is exactly canonical, by the way.

please leave a review on the way out! 


	2. Sir Tristram, Part 1

The Verye Secrete Diaryes of the Knightes of the Rounde Table

Continues

With:

The Verye Secrete Diarie of Sir Tristram de Lyoness

**Day 1**

Today my stepbrother dropped dead in the nursery. Was v. surprised -- itÕs never happened before.

I wonder if it had anything to do with that strange green liquid that he drank...

**Day 2**

Oh. Turns out that my step mom poisoned my brother. She was trying to get me, it turns out. Oh well. She should know by know that nothing can defeat me, 11-year-old Tristram that I am. I mean, how can you kill someone named Tristram?

Anyway, will plead for her life, nice guy that I am. Never did like my stepbrother, anyway.

**Day 123**

Oops. My dad decided to bundle me off to France for some reason. I canÕt see why. All I did was ask if we were there yet... 2341 times....

**Day 2678**

Returned to my fatherÕs court now. IÕm now 18, big, handsome, and skilled in the arts of barony. At least, thatÕs what my friend Sir Malory says.

But I do rock. And I can play the harp really well.

**Later**

My stepmother, at least, appreciates me...

**Day 2680**

The king of Ireland sent a nice letter to my uncle, King Mark. He wants our money.

DidnÕt even know there _was_ a king in Ireland. I thought they were still ruled by Leprechauns. Or at least that one guy... Chuchulain. Anyway, stupid Irish king.

Marky wants us to send a champion to beat up the stupid Irish kingÕs messenger.

Guess I could do it. IÕll only be up against the second best knight ever.

Hey, Lancelot could do it.

**Day 2683**

My brilliant uncle-saving plan couldnÕt have come at a better time. Some French chick keeps writing me, begging to marry me. Here comes another one.

Must go.

**Day 2890**

Got knighted by my uncle. Now IÕm _Sir_ Tristram de Lyoness. Do I rock or do I rock?

**Day 2891**

Ha! Beat that Irish knight. Go me.

**Day 2895**

Darn. That stupid Irish knight hurt me pretty badly. Now IÕm getting shipped off to Ireland for treatment. Stupid knight.

**Later**

Am a little bit worried about this whole Irish medicine thing. I never heard that Chuchulain was much of a doctor.

**Day 2900**

Crap! Am in castle of the stupid Irish king. Must change my name to something thatÕs not obvious.

Oh, I know! IÕll go as Tramtrist. Get it? ItÕs Tristram, backwards. I love my brain.

ThatÕll fool everybody.

**Day 2901**

I didnÕt know that they had female doctors in Ireland. My doctorÕs name is Iseult the Fair, and sheÕs the prettiest little thing I ever did see. If only I could pronounce her name.

**Day 2903**

Am cured! And that Iselute? Isulet? Iseult? SheÕs the daughter of the stupid Irish king. But I think that she likes me. IÕm teaching her to play the harp.

**Day 2905**

Some Saracen named Sir Palomides came to court today. Says heÕs from Iraq. Weird.

I think he has his eyes on my bonnie Irish rose. HeÕd better be careful.

**Day 2910**

Iseult wants me to joust at this tournament thingy. This is great. I could wind up killing that Saracen.

Of course, my wound hasnÕt entirely healed...

Oh, well.

**Day 2911**

Dang, my coverÕs blown. The French chickÕs henchman is here. He recognizes me.

**Day 2913**

The tournament was today. I knighted the henchman, and I beat Palomides! Now the stupid Saracen canÕt look at her ever again!

**Day 2915**

Now my coverÕs really blown. The queen knows who I am, and so does the king, and so does Iseult!

Fortunately, the king has decided to be nice. HeÕs let me go back home to England.

But now I have to leave the fair Iseult, and right after I won her. I shall always be true to her, my bonnie Irish rose. Farewell my own... light of my life, farewell!

**Day 2916**

IÕm back at home with my uncle. Yay. I miss my love, Iseult....

Marky doesnÕt seem to like me, though...

To be continued, because the ÒBook of Sir Tristram de LyonessÓ is about 200 pages long.

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Oh, again, the above is based on MALORYÕS ÒLe Morte dÕArthur,Ó which is, I believe, _way_ better than the recent movie. ÒLe Morte dÕArthurÓ belongs to Sir Thomas Malory, who has been dead for many centuries.

b ÒI praye you all jentylmen and jentylwymmen that redeth this book of Arthur and his knyghtes... praye for me whyle I am on lyve.... And whan I am deed, I pray you all praye for my soule.Ó /b

-- Sir Thomas Malory


	3. Sir Tristram, Part 2

**The Diary of Sir Tristram de Lyonesse**

(continued)

**Day 3000**

Past couple months have been happy happy happy. My uncle loves me, my uncle's court loves me, and I love me. And the weather's been pretty nice for Britannia.

One of the barons has a really attractive wife. Am heading over there to canoodle.

**Later**

Oops. Interrupted my uncle while _he _ was canoodling with the fair matron. Now he's angry at me. Well, it's not _my _fault that she likes me better than him. I have been practicing my canoodling skills, after all, and I am just a darned gorgeous knight. Ladies love me.

But now my uncle is slightly angry at me. He's glaring at me. I hope he knows that that expression is bad for his face -- it's starting to stay that way.

Then, of course, is the small fact that the fair matron is married.

Well, if my uncle doesn't care, then neither do I.

**Day 3001**

Today, milady sent her dwarf to me to work out a rendezvous. With milady, not with the dwarf. We're to "have an assignation" tomorrow night. Tee hee.

**Day 3003**

"Assignation" went very well. It was quite fun.

However, there were some complications. On the way to the "assignation" (tee hee), was ambushed by Uncle Markie and co. Whupped some trusted knightly butt. 'Twas fun. But then I bled all over milady's sheets. Oops. Milady's hubby found out and rode after me. He called me a false knight. Geez. So I false-knighted him. Mr. Milady fainted. Tee hee.

**Day 3005**

"The Incident" has been tacitly forgotten. Mr. Milady too scared to face me.

**Day 3010**

Sir Launcelot's cousin came and kidnapped milady, because my stupid uncle let him choose a "paramour," just 'cause he's a knight of the Round Table. Rode off to rescue milady, because the knight kicked hubby's armored behind.

And it had been a while since my last fight. I wanted some conditioning!

Couldn't find the one knight, but I found two others of the Round Table (what they're doing in Cornwall beats me...) and whupped them, even though they said that Cornish knights "lack all valor." I beat both of them at once, and then they begged my forgiveness and tried to hang out with me. I always knew I was one cool knight. I didn't let them tag along, though. Didn't want to have to worry about a fan club.

Met up with the paramour-napping knight (Sir Bleobris - what a name!). He also insulted Cornish knights. Why Cornwall? Can't they think of some good Devon knight jokes?

Anyway, we fought for two hours or so. It was a really good workout. You should try it sometime, Fair Journal. We tied, so we stopped for a water break and chatted. Despite the Cornwall jokes, Sir B. seemed all right, and he was Launcelot's cousin, so I decided to stop fighting him. What would I say to my hero if I killed his cousin?

Then we decided to let milady choose which hunka burnin' knighthood she liked best. That ()& chose the other guy! Just because I let her hubby try to rescue her first. So we took her to an abbey with her hubby and then went home. She deserves him. Stupid ()&.

**Day 3014**

Have been sent to bring Iseult the Fair to be Markie's wife. I must'ave talked too much about how pretty she is. Dang it. Am a little sheepish about having forgotten her for milady the ()&, but I hope she still likes me.

**Day 3016**

My ship-thing has been driven ashore. Stupid storm. But we chose the right shore-- right next to Camelot. This is gonna be fun.

**Later**

This is prime jousting country. I've been here for fifteen minutes and I've already beaten Sir Ector, Sir Morganoure, and Sir Breuse Sans Pité. And it's even cooler, because every time I beat one of them, they go berserk when they find out that I'm from Cornwall. Take that, Round Table! Bwa ha.

**Day 3017**

My mission is almost accomplished - I've found my in! Iseult's daddy is in town (Camelot), and he needs help. He needs a champion to fight for him. That would be me. So I fight for him, help him out a bit, y'know. Then he won't be able to refuse us, that is, Unkie Mark, his daughter!

This would be more exciting if I got to marry the damsel.

**Day 3018**

Fought challenge, won, yada yada. Beat Sir Blamoure, spared his life knightlyly. Then Sir B kissed me. It was weird and gross, but then I always knew I was attractive. And Sir Launcelot likes me now. Go me!

**Day 3020**

Am in Ireland, with my - erm, my uncle's bonnie Irish rose. She still loves me, and man, do I love her. Still, she's to be my uncle's. Geez, this stinks.

**Day 3021**

On boat ride to England, drank love potion with Iseult. Now we like each other even more, and we still can't get married. Dang it.

**Day 3022**

When we reached Corwall, we were randomly locked up in a dungeon. Tomorrow my bonny Irish rose will be "judged," and I'll have to fight for my life. Doesn't this seem just a little random?

**Well, I updated. This has been the first for how many months?**

**Maybe I'll update some more this summer.**


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